An *ATTEMPT* in being errr “poetic”?!
This post is inspired by a couple of videos I watched online by Sarah Kay. I just discovered her last night and I find her spoken poems AMAZING. I’m not really a writer, but I find that the words would flow from her mouth so truthfully and passionately that you get to feel her emotions, that you are her at that moment. Today as I wait IMPATIENTLY for my files to be backed up at work, I felt like writing as if I’m doing spoken poetry. Maybe this doesn’t make sense to other people, but for me it does, and that’s all that matters to me. I don’t even know if this is poetry, I just started babbling ideas on this post. Warning: this is not as good as hers, but oh well! This definitely made waiting for hours for files to load bearable and fun!
Sometimes I just want to be a kid again.
You know, back to when what I feel is what I feel, and what I feel is what I show.
When what I show is me, and what is me is just okay.
That time when I want something just because I do, and when I don’t get it I cry and beg so I can have it
– even if at the end I fail, the screaming, kicking and the tears felt good, it felt natural.
No one will judge you more than just being a child.
Right at this moment I want that. I want to flail my arms around, shout and create havoc in this room full of grown ups…
And I won’t care, because I know they wouldn’t “care”.
Now I only kid.
I kid myself that I’m okay, that I’m doing good.
I kid everyone I’m strong and wiser.
I kid that I like a friend, I kid that I like what I see in the mirror.
The truth is I am as blind as a bat,
as brittle as glass.
The only way I know how to survive is if I take a step or two back away from everyone and from myself because I’m scared they would sense the truth. That I had to admit the truth.
I am but a liar not only to them,
but also to myself.
That’s the thing about us grown ups (I am still hesitant to admit).
Maybe the only we get better at is lying, hiding.
Inside we are just kids, but now experts in trying hold every tear, even every smile for the thought of exposing ourselves shows weakness.
We learned, after decades of living in this world, that emotions get us into trouble.
So we tiptoe our way through everything we do
because we are afraid to disappoint and be judged.
For example in love, we know what we feel and how true and strong it is but like many of us,
scared to just dive into it and let it be.
If I were a kid I’d be “the heck with the heartbreak, the heck with the tears”.
“Falling” in itself is amazing,
but after crashing down a couple of times,
we hold on tighter as we age with all our might onto ropes to anchor ourselves in the hopes of preventing our hearts from plummeting to the unknown depth of pain…
Well, maybe not really unknown anymore for most…
So why are we still afraid?
Why am I still afraid?!
As a kid I’ve learned to not do this, not do that, that’s bad, it’ll hurt…
In the end I am still alive and kicking, better or worse, but either way
So I’d do it again and again with much enthusiasm as the first time.
That’s what I miss from being a kid.
The no fear, who-gives-a-damn attitude towards life.
When I was younger I felt imprisoned in a box of what adults think I should do.
As an adult I’ve imprisoned myself.
My hands bleed as I hold tightly on the key that I know will free me.
I hate it
and I will change it.
Why? Because I crave to not be that, not to be hold captive of myself,
to be FREE and just BE.
Just BE happy,
Just BE sad.
Just BE jealous, angry or scared.
Be NOT afraid to step barefoot on the ground, run, skip and jump.
I will not hop over a puddle but into it and get my dress dirty.
The heck, I’d even roll in the mud.
I don’t give a damn with small sharp stones,
and I don’t care about being sun-burnt.
The only thing that should be great about getting old,
is getting better at being a kid. :)
Here’s a video of my new found idol performing some of her masterpieces: